August 2012
2 posts
It’s only the second day of school and I’m already overwhelmed.
Most of the problem is I can’t find time to go buy my supplies because I’m in class or working when these places are open. I don’t have a debit card anymore, so I can’t buy them online either. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I’m stressed. I’m depressed. What really sucks is my dad is causing me a lot of stress right now. I am trying my best to find time to see him, but first he said not to come one day because he’s been going to bed early, then I couldn’t because I got scheduled to start at DP Dough, now he was expecting me to come Saturday when I told him I only can if I sell my Lollapalooza...
July 2012
3 posts
1 tag
Here I am. Twenty years old. I am a depressed wreck. I am nothing like the person I dreamed myself to be at twenty. I remember being twelve years old, not even old enough to imagine quite yet my teenage years, let alone my twenties. I pictured myself being an adult, much like my mother, stressing myself to the point of exhaustion, working at a real job to pay for my house, and maybe being married....
It’s getting more difficult to find a single thing I like about myself.
What is going on?
I am starting to believe that I don’t even know how to be happy anymore.
June 2012
15 posts
I am so worried that I am going to ruin this relationship.
My mind sucks.
I always get slightly disappointed if I wake up and it’s raining and I’m not hung over.
The only time I can ever enjoy being hung over is when it’s raining. It’s so peaceful.
I wish I could go to therapy today.
I feel awful.
I feel alone.
I feel insignificant.
I feel like nobody likes me/cares.
This post is stupid.
I feel like a fucking drama queen.
My first day of therapy was really good.
All we did was go over basic topics that are pretty significant in my life and have probably lead to this depression/worsened it.
I feel a lot better already.
It’s a lot easier to write when I’m an emotional wreck.
I suppose that’s the plus side to depression.
So my mom and my grandma are coming over today. I got my 4 o’clock shift covered by the last person I ever expected to take my shift. I’m really glad about it. I’m going to bake him some cookies!
I cleaned the place the best I can. We just need a vacuum. I hope they come over and love it. We’re going out to dinner tonight and I’m excited! My grandma is the most...
I miss Brennen a lot today.
Two years ago today I had just graduated high school. I was spending the summer hanging out with my friends, making new friends, going on adventures, and life guarding. I was happy. I loved my life and where it was at, but I dreaded the fact that I was about to spend the next 4 years of my life working as hard as I can towards a degree that I wasn’t even sure I wanted.
Two years from today,...
I’ve got the first day of my summer class down. I don’t feel like I really learned anything. What sucks is the reading isn’t required, because I’m used to just reading the text if I didn’t feel like I got any of the necessary information.
I’m starting my new diet today. I’m cutting out red meat and most fried foods. I’m allowing myself one unhealthy...
It really bums me out when I see couples doing fun little things with each other like going on bike rides, walks, go karts, getting ice cream, whatever it may be. I can’t do any of that with Brennen, and even when he’s here we only have about one evening to do something fun. I wish seeing him was something I could take for granted.
I don’t know how I’m going to study...
I just got the best idea for Brennen and I’s anniversary coming up in July. I can’t wait. He’s going to love it!
I want to tell someone. Every time I get excited about a surprise I’m going to do for someone I just want to tell someone else to relieve my excitement
I have been keeping a journal-like notebook for Brennen while he’s away on tour. I basically just write what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling. I told him I had the idea of doing that when I have the time, and he said he would really like that, so I’m trying to keep up on it.
I’m thinking about giving it to him for our anniversary that’s coming up, but...
I want to live with my closest friends like people on television do all of the time, but I live with one and he’s never here, my other best friend is moving to Chicago and living his dreams, and another is probably getting a house soon with her man.
You probably shouldn’t be rude and disrespectful to someone who lives at a place you are hoping to use as a venue in the future.
Fucking idiot.
I am way too drunk.
May 2012
10 posts
I was hoping I would wake up and feel a lot better, but I feel worse.
Isn’t that the worst?
Forever unappreciated.
It’s not that I’m looking for a giant thank you or anything of the sort, but some sort of acknowledgement, even in the slightest bit, would be nice..once in a while at least.
So Out of Time made it to Canada yesterday. That means I won’t talk to Brennen for 6 days starting last night, unless it’s on the internet. I’m a little bummed about it, but I’m so proud of him and his band and what they are doing. Fucking Canada
[[MORE]]I got off work tonight around 9 and made plans to hang out with Max and Mikey. I rode my bike around town until Max was done moving, and then I decided to just sit in uptown for a while. I “people watched” for about an hour before Max called me back. I sat there and just thought about my life for a long time.
Just when I started to get to that stage of complete depression,...
There’s so much on my mind lately. All day, I have been just sitting here thinking about how I am never going to be anyone’s first thought of who to rely on. I try my best to be a good friend or whatever the relationship may be, but I know it’s never going to be good enough. Everyone I know and everyone I think I’m close with has someone who is already first, and not that...
Sometimes, being an independent adult sucks. The worst is when you live with someone who’s parents still pay for everything, yet they think they’re being an independent adult. I’m sorry you don’t know what it feels like to be in financial rut and being completely on your own about it, but you really don’t need 40 dollars for a keg your parents paid for anyway.
Fuck.
So clearly today a lot of people have been posting about gay marriage. Long story short, I just don’t get the big issue anymore. Why do people care so much about other people’s lives? It’s not like they are out murdering other people. It’s just marriage. It’s something between two people. Why is it a concern of anyone else?
I don’t know.
I just don’t...
I went to work for Matt today and my manager got mad at me because my shirt wasn’t tucked in. Who gives a shit about a shirt? Tim doesn’t realize that I do a damn good job at that store. I can work in shop flawlessly, I’ve helped train people in shop, I can drive and take all of my deliveries on time and not get lost, I can do both at the same time, and now I’m training to...
I got a B in my online class overall-at least as of right now, and I’ve submitted everything there is to finish.
I just took my Chemistry final. I hope I didn’t bomb it too badly. I hope this A I just got on the online assessment is enough to give me a passing grade.
I have art history tomorrow. It is my last final for the year. I hope I get an A in the class, because right now...
A lot of the time I just really hate myself.
April 2012
11 posts
Art.
People always tend to jump to the conclusion that because a student decides to become an art major, they are going to be a nobody. I may be wrong, but in my opinion, that could be any major. Just because you have a degree, that doesn’t guarantee you a well-paying job. I’m an art major and I plan on studying abroad, getting an internship or two, having some volunteer hours, and doing...
I hate when I look in a mirror and just despise what I see. I just hate my body. It’s not like I am quite fat. I always said that I wouldn’t worry about my weight until my identifier was “oh she’s just a bit chubby”. No one has yet to say that, but I still just look in the mirror and pick myself apart. I wish I ran more. I wish I had more time to ride my bike. I wish...
Last night after my friends left I heard Brandon talking on the phone in the bathroom. I was trying to listen to get an idea about what he’s probably talking about but I couldn’t hear a thing. After he got off the phone he started sobbing. I didn’t know what to do, or if I even heard him right, so I just let him be. I figured, I get embarrassed when I cry and someone knows it so...
I’ve been studying for art history for a while now and I actually enjoy it. It’s nice to be able to study for a subject and enjoying the sort of information you’re absorbing rather than just trying to cram it in for a test simply to forget it right after you finish. I’ve noticed how much I benefit from this class and my survey 1 class in different courses. I’ve really...
The rain outside my window is so perfect when I’m relaxing at night.
I love this.
I woke up this morning and I think I’m sick.
I’m going to come home and just eat a ton of fruits and veggies that I recently bought and drink some tea and hope it works.
Yep.
I was just lurking an old friend’s facebook and it makes me so happy that he’s doing so well. He’s got a steady, stable job-an actual career, he’s happy, he’s finally with a girl he deserves, he’s just doing what he wants to do. I’m so proud of that. What a good guy. He deserves to have a good life. I love when things like that happen.
I think I’ll...
Someday I’m going to move to Chicago.
It slightly scares me that that day is coming sooner than I think and realize, but yet I’m very excited.
I have a lot of issues with bottling up my problems and emotions. I am always depressed. Well, I have depression, and that’s what it is. I can’t help it. I can’t control it, but what I have learned to do is to bottle it up and not talk about it. It’s gotten to the point that when someone actually wants to talk to me about it I don’t know what to say. I don’t...
So quite often I contemplate the idea of adulthood. What does it mean to be an adult? What stage of your life do you get to when you are just deemed an adult? Is it an overnight situation or does it happen gradually? I think it’s a broad, ambiguous topic, much like most topics people my age would wonder about, I suppose.
More specifically, I wonder about if I will regret my tattoos when...
I’m going to do my three drawing assignments before Sunday. I’m also going to take time Friday to go to the CVA and finish my project that is due Monday for 3-D. I think I have a paper due Monday as well for my online course, but I’m going to find time to write it so I can just have all of my homework done Sunday for once and can just enjoy the entire day with Brennen.
March 2012
5 posts
1 tag
The grandma from Hey Arnold has an outfit for every situation
I like when I go lurk my old friends from grade school’s facebooks and see they’re so happy. Their lives just seem so simple, and they’re just content with that. I miss them. I just want them to know that they still mean a lot to me.
I want to find someone to close for me tonight so I can cry and drink until I’m too drunk to care about how depressed I am anymore.
When I die, if people use my death as a reason to try to get attention I will haunt the fuck out of them. You asshole.
[[MORE]]I just miss feeling like I mattered at all.
