Personal

It’s only the second day of school and I’m already overwhelmed. Most of the problem is I...

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 13:22:13 -0400

It’s only the second day of school and I’m already overwhelmed.

Most of the problem is I can’t find time to go buy my supplies because I’m in class or working when these places are open. I don’t have a debit card anymore, so I can’t buy them online either. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m stressed. I’m depressed. What really sucks is my dad is causing me a lot of stress...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 15:21:29 -0400

I’m stressed. I’m depressed. What really sucks is my dad is causing me a lot of stress right now. I am trying my best to find time to see him, but first he said not to come one day because he’s been going to bed early, then I couldn’t because I got scheduled to start at DP Dough, now he was expecting me to come Saturday when I told him I only can if I sell my Lollapalooza pass, which I didn’t, so I have to go. Every time I go over there I get upset because Lisa is so rude and disrespectful to me. She talks forever about things I don’t give a shit about, and I don’t even want to talk to her. I just want to see my dad. I just want to spend time with him. I just want to talk to him. Why can’t he come to Normal and visit me? He always gives me a hard time when I’m there about not seeing him very often, but it’s hard when I’m working two jobs to support myself, going to school full time, and still have no money because I have to pay so many bills. I am so bothered by all of this. God dammit.

Fuck.

Here I am. Twenty years old. I am a depressed wreck. I am nothing like the person I dreamed myself...

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:34:59 -0400

Here I am. Twenty years old. I am a depressed wreck. I am nothing like the person I dreamed myself to be at twenty. I remember being twelve years old, not even old enough to imagine quite yet my teenage years, let alone my twenties. I pictured myself being an adult, much like my mother, stressing myself to the point of exhaustion, working at a real job to pay for my house, and maybe being married. I remember being fifteen, trying to convince myself to not commit suicide because by the time I’m twenty, I’ll be happier. I look back to when I was eighteen, only a mere two years ago, when I first stepped into adulthood convincing myself that life would start to look up.

I was wrong.

I am twenty years old, and suicide is a thought that often crosses my mind. At times, it seems like the only reasonable and realistic option. If only I had one person who could be around any time I needed them, it would impact my life tremendously. Maybe I would know what it means to feel happy. Maybe I would have a slight clue as to how it feels to be full of life, but that is but a dream. I know nothing but the emptiness I bring upon myself due to my constant racing thoughts, times spent alone, and depression always turning my world cold and dark.

I am twenty years old, and I stress myself to the point of exhaustion. To the point where my depression takes over so harshly that I consider just running away or ending my life because I can’t imagine being relaxed enough to somewhat enjoy myself. I could not utter a single name of a person whom I would consider my best friend in the same way they would consider me theirs. I am insignificant to anyone and anything. I am nothing.

Here I am. Twenty years old. I am a depressed wreck.

It’s getting more difficult to find a single thing I like about myself. What is going on?

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 20:15:34 -0400

It’s getting more difficult to find a single thing I like about myself.

What is going on?

I am starting to believe that I don’t even know how to be happy anymore.

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 01:27:55 -0400

I am starting to believe that I don’t even know how to be happy anymore.

I am so worried that I am going to ruin this relationship. My mind sucks.

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:20:00 -0400

I am so worried that I am going to ruin this relationship.

My mind sucks.

I always get slightly disappointed if I wake up and it’s raining and I’m not hung...

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 11:13:22 -0400

I always get slightly disappointed if I wake up and it’s raining and I’m not hung over.

The only time I can ever enjoy being hung over is when it’s raining. It’s so peaceful.

I wish I could go to therapy today. I feel awful. I feel alone. I feel insignificant. I feel like...

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 18:50:05 -0400

I wish I could go to therapy today.

I feel awful.

I feel alone.

I feel insignificant.

I feel like nobody likes me/cares.

This post is stupid.

I feel like a fucking drama queen.

My first day of therapy was really good. All we did was go over basic topics that are pretty...

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 19:14:54 -0400

My first day of therapy was really good.

All we did was go over basic topics that are pretty significant in my life and have probably lead to this depression/worsened it.

I feel a lot better already.

It’s a lot easier to write when I’m an emotional wreck. I suppose that’s the plus...

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 23:18:00 -0400

It’s a lot easier to write when I’m an emotional wreck.

I suppose that’s the plus side to depression.

So my mom and my grandma are coming over today. I got my 4 o’clock shift covered by the...

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 16:37:13 -0400

So my mom and my grandma are coming over today. I got my 4 o’clock shift covered by the last person I ever expected to take my shift. I’m really glad about it. I’m going to bake him some cookies!

I cleaned the place the best I can. We just need a vacuum. I hope they come over and love it. We’re going out to dinner tonight and I’m excited! My grandma is the most adorable woman ever. I’m going to have her look at my yard and tell me if I can plant a rose bush or not.

Time to shower then study.

I miss Brennen a lot today.

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 20:45:57 -0400

I miss Brennen a lot today.

Two years ago today I had just graduated high school. I was spending the summer hanging out with my...

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 16:24:24 -0400

Two years ago today I had just graduated high school. I was spending the summer hanging out with my friends, making new friends, going on adventures, and life guarding. I was happy. I loved my life and where it was at, but I dreaded the fact that I was about to spend the next 4 years of my life working as hard as I can towards a degree that I wasn’t even sure I wanted.

Two years from today, I hope to be in Chicago with Brennen, on my way to meet my best friend, Randy, for a cup of coffee. I hope to go take pictures around the city with them, find new things to do, new places to eat, a place to meet for coffee that’s our regular spot. I want to wake up to Brennen every day. I want to go to my big girl job every day knowing I will go home later to my one true love. I can’t wait to brag to everyone about how great Florence, Italy was when I studied abroad a year ago. I can’t wait to talk about how much fun college was and reunite with people I’m hanging out with right now and catch up over dinner.

Two years.

Just two more years.

I’ve got the first day of my summer class down. I don’t feel like I really learned...

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 15:16:22 -0400

I’ve got the first day of my summer class down. I don’t feel like I really learned anything. What sucks is the reading isn’t required, because I’m used to just reading the text if I didn’t feel like I got any of the necessary information.

I’m starting my new diet today. I’m cutting out red meat and most fried foods. I’m allowing myself one unhealthy meal per week, just incase someone wants to go out to dinner. Even then I’m trying to be healthier about eating out as well.

I’m doing a green tea detox, not really to detox, just for a healthy alternative for something to sip on all day.

Tomorrow I start jogging. I’m waking up two hours before class so I can go on a jog and maybe do an insanity video or two.

I feel good about it.

It really bums me out when I see couples doing fun little things with each other like going on bike...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 01:58:16 -0400

It really bums me out when I see couples doing fun little things with each other like going on bike rides, walks, go karts, getting ice cream, whatever it may be. I can’t do any of that with Brennen, and even when he’s here we only have about one evening to do something fun. I wish seeing him was something I could take for granted.

I don’t know how I’m going to study abroad.

I just got the best idea for Brennen and I’s anniversary coming up in July. I can’t...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 02:31:41 -0400

I just got the best idea for Brennen and I’s anniversary coming up in July. I can’t wait. He’s going to love it!

I want to tell someone. Every time I get excited about a surprise I’m going to do for someone I just want to tell someone else to relieve my excitement

I have been keeping a journal-like notebook for Brennen while he’s away on tour. I basically...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 02:19:14 -0400

I have been keeping a journal-like notebook for Brennen while he’s away on tour. I basically just write what’s been going on and how I’ve been feeling. I told him I had the idea of doing that when I have the time, and he said he would really like that, so I’m trying to keep up on it.

I’m thinking about giving it to him for our anniversary that’s coming up, but I want to do something better for that.

We talked on the phone last night and had a really emotional chat. It was so good. After that, I feel like it really just brought us that much closer. I have never felt so secure and safe in a relationship. I have never trusted anyone that I’ve ever dated quite like I trust him, and he’s out touring the country.

I love my boyfriend. I am the luckiest.

I want to live with my closest friends like people on television do all of the time, but I live with...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 02:14:51 -0400

I want to live with my closest friends like people on television do all of the time, but I live with one and he’s never here, my other best friend is moving to Chicago and living his dreams, and another is probably getting a house soon with her man.

You probably shouldn’t be rude and disrespectful to someone who lives at a place you are...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 01:52:20 -0400

You probably shouldn’t be rude and disrespectful to someone who lives at a place you are hoping to use as a venue in the future.

Fucking idiot.

I am way too drunk.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 04:26:27 -0400

I am way too drunk.